No stupid gimmicks like “follow us on Twitter” or “buy us a beer” or anything – we just happen to have a spare copy of the brand new 2nd edition of Brian Clifton’s superb Advanced Web Metrics with Google Analytics lying around the office and we’ve decided to give it away.
If you fancy getting a copy of this indispensable book, then all you have to do is leave a insightful comment, uproarious joke or embarrassingly personal plea below. The one that makes the office laugh or think or pity you the most gets the book – it’s that simple.
In case you don’t know much about the book, we reviewed it earlier in the month here and are generally agreed that it’s the best book on the subject on pretty much any level.
And as if that wasn’t enough to make you wet your pants like a six year old, then there’s also a $25 Google AdWords voucher stapled inside the front cover – that’s $25 dollars worth of visitors for you to analyse in fine-grain detail with the help of your new book, which pretty much makes the winner officially King Of The Internets.
We think this is the greatest free giveaway in history ever, so knock yourself out in the comments below and we’ll announce the winner as soon as someone says something funny enough.
Go wild! 
55 Comments
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- 2
A big fan pleaing for a copy of a book
- 3
FIRST COMMENT!!!one!!!11!!!!?!?!?!eleven
No, seriously, I’d love this.
- 4
You need to say this out loud to get it.
A man walks into the the doctors and says: “Doctor help me, sometime I feel like a TeePee, other times I feel like a Wig Wam.”
The Doctor replies: “Hmm yes I have seen this before kit seems you are two tense”.
- 5
I thought I was clever.
Yesterday I discovered the definition of a bounce… “only one page view”
ha, all this time I thought it was a short visit, like under 5 seconds.
those poor bastards who have 1 page squeeze page sites, moaning over high bounce rates.
- 6
FIFTH COMMENT!!!?!?!???!?!!!!two
…I should win this, if only because it will help me develop my reading skills.
- 7
When I first started studying web analytics last year I was told to follow the blogs of three people: Avinash Kaushik, Jim Sterne and Brian Clifton. Brian’s blog has many useful tips and tricks for web analysts and I’d recommend subscribing if you haven’t already.
- 8
I should be given this book as the only joke I know is very pitiful…
How many web designers does it take to change a light bulb?
F**k off I’m not changing anything!!
- 9
A joke you say ?
Here is a funny (geeky) joke I heard today
[quote]I get quite turned on by particle accelerators… they give me a large hadron[/quote] - 10
I would consider it an extremely high honor to win this wonderful and insightful book. I consistently read your blog, David Naylor is the greatest SEO guru to walk the Earth and should be knighted by the Queen.
How was that?? ;-D
- 11
I could use it.
read it.
then give it away again to someone else. - 12
What does a raven and a writing desk have in common?
That the shirt is black PAUSE not! and the raven flies…
- 13
I have spent the last 12 months writing blogs on a rocky desk, I have spent the last 18 months tweeting whilst sitting at an angle of 24 degrees….i now suffer from a crooked neck and every where I go I sit at an angle of 24 degrees…..imagine sitting on the train at an angle of 24 degree almost leaning against the sweaty business man for an hour and a half. Not nice!! All i need to cure my crooked neck at an angle of 24 degrees is a book to prop under the desk leg to even it out.
Hope you can help!
P.S – I also love Google Analytics!!
- 14
Now, to wait for this to get indexed…
http://twitter.com/#search?q=who%20should%20win%20advanced%20web%20metrics - 15
[insert cheap joke about Web Analytics professionals, an online p0rn conference and "bounce rates"]
- 16
A dyslecix (get it?) man walks into a bra! (tumble weeds!)
Just give me the bloody book please, I follow you everywhere even when you on Sky! - 17
Well as living in South Africa provides me with internet connectivity that has more ups and downs than a bed in a brothel, I should win this book if only to be able to make the best of the ups.
Oh… and if you’re ever here in South Africa (Durban area) I’ll buy you a beer too.
- 18
I like Yorkshire it’s people and football clubs.
Business is crap and I need something for free down here in Devon….
- 19
@Ryan Lineker, I don’t do teepee’s or wig wam’s, it’s two in-tents
- 20
OK, not original, but this unforgettable moment from that much underrated series “Men Behaving Badly” will have you wetting your nappies:
Tony: “Oysters disagree with me”
Gary, picking up oyster in manner of a hand puppet: “Oh no we don’t!” - 21
Alright, office.
THINK.
As you’re reading this and trying to find it funny, laugh or pity me, or whatever, one of your potential customers is slipping away to competitors.
Because they WORK.
So just give the book away and stick to the script.
- 22
Lets see if this comment gets approved: In the style of Jay from Inbetweeners….’I would like to go nuts deep in that book’. If I do win may I please request Carps signs it with a coffee cup ring on it. Cheers
- 23
I just told on a company that was using our trademark. I got a response that said ” hear is a quarter, call someone who cares”
HEY REP YOU SPELLED HERE WRONG – FIX M Y PROBLEM!!!!
Thanks!
- 24
Someone just told this old classic in the office and it made us laugh…
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre!!
The simple ones are always the best!!
- 25
I have no witty comments or funny jokes, but I would certainly love a copy of the book
- 26
I’m just a poor highschool student who can’t afford to buy the book.
Oh, and what happened to the Indian who stayed up all night drinking tea in his tepee?
He woke up in his tea pee!
- 27
Paul shows up late for work. David yells “You should have been here at 8:00!” and he replies astonished: “Why? What happened at 8:00?”
- 28
OK. You wanna a laugh, I give you a laugh:
1st) goto http://www.google.com/
2nd) type in “find chuck norris” AND press the “I’m feeling Lucky” button.It’s Chuck’s 70 (!?) birthday, but he can still kick YOUR ass
- 29
What’s green and has eight wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
- 30
OK. This is from the almost brilliant “Prince Of Darkness” (1987).
Walter, a character in the film, is in a closet hiding from the demonically-possessed Susan and Lisa who stand outside, coldly staring at him.
Walter tries to communicate with them to no avail, and finally comes up with this:
” All right. A Jewish mother goes to the airport to meet her daughter. The daughter steps off the plane with an eight-foot-tall Zulu warrior with a bone through his nose. The mother screams, “You fool! I said a rich doctor!”
They Kill Walter.
- 31
DaveN’s crew baited MC
- 32
Don’t let any of these bastards have it, Paul. Just hand it over to me. All the best!
- 33
What! Google have an Analytics program, whatever next?
Anyway, two fish in a tank, one says to the other “How so you drive this bloody thing?”
- 34
Give it to David Saunders – I like his honesty!
- 35
Well, after having read your blog post I am seriously looking forward to reading my copy of Advanced Web Metrics – only purchased it a few days ago. I may have lost out on a free book, but how nice is it not to know I am about to read a book that comes highly recommended.
Please keep recommending books to read …… really useful for someone like me (may not yet qualify as an SEO chick … but working on it)
- 36
Just look at all you cheap skates – 35 comments just to get hold of a £16 book.! You’re all so tight I bet you all collect the wind in carrier bags…
…see what I did there
- 37
Of all the comments above,
15 was a Joke,
11 was a Plea,
7 was just comment for the sake of comment
and only 2 was something related to being insightfulSo with analytics in mind, I thought it will be useful to leave a insightful comment about the comments to help others leaving future comments deciding what kind of comment to leave.
- 38
Hey Paul .. do tongue twisters count ?
Try this one:-The Smart Farmer Felt Smart … and repeat
- 39
Please *do not* give me this book!
*Do not* pronounce me winner, or otherwise recognize this comment as having any value what-so-ever.
DO NOT analyze or read between any lines that aren’t there.
DON’T make the simple complex, or the stupidity sage.
FORGET the prize, goal, outcome and distribution of this book as favoring YOU with ME – it won’t.
DON’T even *consider* me a winner from wit, comedy or droll, sardonic banter.
I am NOT EVEN close to having a comic advantage over my peers, colleagues and strange companions.
PLEASE ignore this comment and go about your daily business as if this small blip on the Internet landscape never existed, and I am as insignificant as an “SEO is dead” post on Digg.
And while you’re preoccupied by this review of naught, please SEND THE BOOK in an innoculous brown paper wrapper to end the misery.
THANK YOU (maybe)
- 40
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?” The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?” A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?” He says: “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?” Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?” He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?” The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says. “Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls. Wife says: “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.” “Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband. “What do I look like,” she says, “Betty Crocker?”
- 41
Warning: This is the funnest joke on the planet, in the entire history of the planet. I’m not responsible for the consequences if you read it:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”. The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?
- 42
I can not believe you made me look!
- 43
@Ben Griffiths: What’s green and eats nuts?
Syphilis!Yeah, I know it’s bad. But surely I’ve got to win for simple volume of bad jokes?
- 44
only joke that really made me chuckle was the 2 hunters joke, I’d vote for them
- 45
So one night in London during SES I heard a few too many glasses, when someone told me a good friend was losing their job with Incisive Media. I become pissed – the emotive type not the drinking type (was already there) – and decided I was going to leave. I was going to spend the rest of the week ion Amsterdam.
So I come to the drunken conclusion I would get a helicopter – wanted it to land right there in the Hilton parking lot.
Now the front desk looked at me like I had three heads – or maybe I looked at them and thought they had three heads – my mind was blurry. So then I started making calls… not thinking of the immigration question etc.
Hey at least I provided a good hour of entertainment for all the attendees who were still up!
- 46
There’s also a limited time 50% off the GAIQ exam!
I’ve already got my copy as my name is in it! Woo Hoo!
and because of this, if there’s one going spare, my 8 year old daughter wants a copy as she reckons its her favourite book (not that she understands a word of it – bless her – cos mummy’s in it).Nikki Rae
- 47
Paddy and Murphy are driving through the forest when they see a sign saying TREE FELLERS WANTED.
Murphy turns to his mate and says “Pity there’s only two of us, eh”.
It that doesn’t deserve the book I don’t know what does!!!
- 48
Comic Sans walks into a bar and the barman says, “We don’t serve your type in here”
- 49
Hi, I am an italian guy. I eat pasta and web analytics every day
Find a good book about web analytics here in Italy is very difficult… Please, let me help italian people by sending me this useful book!
I am bored to read everyday the adventures of Mr. Berlusconi…help me!
Thank you!
Luca - 50
You have not given it away…Too late am I? May be last is the best if I am last. Not good at jokes etc. But got here a bit late than everybody else. Really, really want it.
Prachi
- 51
I’m quite new to the game and still learning. The first lesson I learned while researching was:
When keying ‘analytics’ into search, beware not to leave your desk half way through typing the word.
It can create uncomfortable situations with colleagues that arrive at your desk.
- 52
iwantanalyticsbooks.com
to the obvious tune of the commercial for cars
- 53
What is the difference between pigs and SEOs?
You can learn to respect a pig.The definition of SEO SPAM?
Site Positioning Above Mine - 54
I’d love to win this, if only for the gloriousness it would bestow upon me.
to “seal the deal” heres a rather cracking good yarn.
“Old SEOs never die, they just lose their rankings”
- 55
As I’m sure most Analytics fans do, I like to admire my work in an Excel spreadsheet and say “I remember when this was all fields”
FIRST!!!!